Having a family of my own was a given on my life’s dream board. Getting married and having a couple kids was 100% part of my vision.
My husband, Mark, has 4 siblings and I have 1. It’s “so cute” now to think back on our “family planning” chats when we were newly married.
He wanted 5, I wanted 2. He pushed for 4 and I compromised on 3. Our hearts brightened at the exciting road ahead. We were set. All we had to do now was wait until we wanted to have children… but Mark had lots of schooling to complete so… nah, we’ll wait.
After being married for 4 years we were ready. I specifically remember giving the green light in February of 2009. Love Month… it’s going happen! March results? Nope. April? Nah uh. But on graduation weekend in May, I noticed I was late and told Mark we should pick up a pregnancy test on the way home just in case.
Next morning, +positive+! I can still remember Mark tossing me up in his arms and hugging me so tight right there in our apartment bathroom. The first words out of my mouth were, “I was hoping to drop 5 pounds before we got pregnant” (enter my present day eye roll here). To that he said, “Nope, your only job now is to gain weight!”. He was more excited for this than anything else I’d ever witnessed. I loved the deeper connection between the 3 of us already.
9 months later, our very first treasure, Ethan, was born. He was everything we ever wanted. We were SO in love! So much so that we decided to stop taking birth control when he was 8 months old.
Hold on little guy, we’re gonna get you a sibling! Just like last time in 3 maybe 6 months… coming right up!
When Ethan turned 12 months I left for 10 days on a vision trip through World Vision in Ethiopia with my church. While I was there I was overwhelmed by all the sweet little faces of orphans needing a home. Something conceived during that trip, but it wasn’t a baby. It was a dream.
I came back from this trip and asked Mark what he thought about adoption.
—> Back up to our pre-marital days: We talked about adoption and both agreed that unless we could not conceive that we would not adopt. My parents couldn’t conceive and adopted my brother – who is half the light of their lives (other half? Present!) – but it was difficult, and I didn’t want that for my story, Mark agreed.
Knowing this, asking my husband what he “thought about adoption” was almost a rhetorical question. To my surprise, he said, “I think that’s something we can do.”
And that, my friends, is one example of how God can move a mountain titled “Never” and give it the new name “Open”.
“And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh”
– Ezekiel 11:19
Our hearts had warmed up, in unity, to adoption. It is only by a work of God that this could be as we were so set against it before. God was moving in our lives in a way I’d never dreamed of. He was rewriting my life’s dream board and penciling in adoption.
We started researching the adoption process and had a new back and forth discussion: International Adoption vs. Domestic Adoption. My heart was set on international because I had gone overseas and seen such a need. Mark’s heart was pulled toward local adoption reasoning, why should we go far when the need is right here where we live?
Between the seesaw talks and research we saw that the adoption journey could take years. Also, we learned many agencies don’t want to see pregnancy during the wait and will insist you wait further until giving birth, therefore, kicking you back to the begging of the que.
So, we figured we would plan to have a biological child next and then start the adoption search.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Month after Month we waited. Ethan was a perfectly planned baby, conceived within 3 months… I was a bit confused. But the waiting was within “normal” range so long as it was within a year. 12 months?! I was ready now.
So I started researching natural ways to calculate my cycle and even bought an ovulation kit to monitor my fertility. We did all the tips, tricks and old wives tales… nothing.
1 year later I went to see my OB. “We are officially abnormal” I thought and I was going to talk to someone about it! To my doctor’s credit, he agreed. Something should have happened by now. So he signed off on all the testing needed to see what the problem was.
A month later, I was pregnant! Thank you, Jesus! Ethan was now 2 years and 2 months old. The babies will be just under 3 years apart. Not ideal spacing for me, but, no complaints… I. Was. Pregnant!!
I made the cute pregnancy announcement and shared it with all my friends and family. Social Media Official: Baby #2, let’s go!
Around 6 weeks I miscarried. I remember the day I passed a clot and just knew something wasn’t right. Inside the ER was confirmation: no heartbeat, no baby.
The doctor said I was very stoic about it all but really, I was in shock, not fully processing the miscarriage.
I went home and mourned the loss of my baby… who she or he would have been: in our family, as a sibling to Ethan or who s/he would grow up to be. I mourned all the belly laughs and snuggles and everything else you know about because you already are a mom.
It’s a privileged mourn, much like secondary infertility is, but it doesn’t make the pain any less real or valid. We lost a baby. We lost a treasure. We lost.
In walking the infertility journey, we were walking in waiting, clinging to hope. Some days one foot in front of the other. The unique journey of those walking the secondary infertility path is that they not only hear the tick-tock of the clock, they are simultaneously calculating the spacing between their children. This is just an added pressure to an already steaming kettle.
So we took all the tests and it was concluded that we had “Unspecified Secondary Infertility.” All this meant to us was that we had a problem and there wasn’t an answer.
Along the way were given douses of hope by kind nurses and staff, “this test has been known to ‘open things up’ and some couples just get pregnant right after this…” or the not so helpful douses, “you’re probably just stressed, don’t think about it and it’ll happen” or “one year really isn’t that long… you guys are healthy… just try not to think about it…”
A word to the wise: If someone is trying to conceive (TTC) or is struggling with infertility do not tell them to relax and stop thinking about it.
It’s like telling someone to not go after their dreams or to forget about multiplying their heart.
It’s feels like you are the only couple stranded on an island and when you finally see an airplane approaching, the message “Relax, you’ll get rescued eventually” waves like a well meaning banner of hope behind the free flying jet.
Still on the island. Still clinging to hope but it’s not coming from you.
What can you do? PRAY over this couple and pray for them. Have you ever laid hands on a couple who is desperate to conceive? Have you ever carried them to Jesus and asked the Lord for life on their behalf? If you want to bring hope and to love them, ask the only One who gives life. In doing so you are advocating, encouraging and supporting them and their dreams. Also, you are moving God’s heart.
“so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. “
– 1 Corinthians 12:25-27
No one ever did this for us, but having gone through it now, I am full-on, laying hands on and praying, contending with God for a child with you. In your dining room or the school parking lot, I’m here with you. I’m here for you.
No hurting person I’ve encountered refused prayer. Couples going though infertility are hurting. Can I say that again?
Couples going though infertility are hurting.
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
– Psalm 34:18
The silent waiting kills their spirit. They are fully aware of their lack and still, they desire. Bless them and continue to bless them in private. Prayer changes things.
If you are in the waiting process, I see you. If you are waiting in silence, don’t. So many women experience infertility and loss. I want to honor the women (and men!) who walk this and shine a light on your heart.
Your heart is worthy of all the love it can hold. Hold onto hope and don’t ever hand it over. As long as there is God, there is hope. Lean into Him during the waiting. He is more than enough.
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
– Psalm 37:4
In Part 2 I’ll talk about what happened after our miscarriage and more on our adoption journey…
